we’re really doing this, aren’t we?

we had the appointment with our family doctor today. she ran some tests and referred us to the re, and i’ve already called and talked to them while firefly sleeps. poor thing came home from work this morning and only had about an hour before we had to get ready to leave. i made an appointment for a consult on august 18th even though the test results may not be back by then. we’re definitely not going to be able to start in august, but hopefully we’ll be able to start in september and the ball is rolling. we’d probably be starting right around her birthday, which is cutting things close calendar-wise.

her birthday is on a friday, and right now–according to an ovulation predictor thingy–it’s the day before her estimated ovulation date. it would be nice if it could happen right after her birthday. what i’m worried about is: that sunday night she leaves for detroit for a week of work stuff. so…if she’s right on schedule we might be able to do the insemination on saturday or sunday, but if she’s off just a little bit she either won’t be able to relax and enjoy her birthday or she’ll be in detroit and unable to get the the re’s office (although she’d be happy to be able to hang out with her coworkers and not worry about anything). maybe it’ll be off more and it’ll happen when she gets back. that would be good.

ok, i’m going to stop worrying about it now and go look through the donor list. we’ve each got our own copy now and we’ll be weeding them out and comparing. it would be nice if we could have some idea before we go in for the consult…

okay.

well, i’m a little calmer than yesterday. i emailed my former english professor to ask for some advice on classes. i have figured out that i can do it and only be pushed back one quarter, but i’m still feeling stressed and haven’t had a chance to talk to the firefly about it. i did, however, find out from the professor that some work i submitted to my college’s literary magazine got published. i submitted five things (i think? i can’t remember now…) and i have no idea which got in, or how many, but hey. it’s still pretty cool.

i’m going to cry.

remember my post from yesterday? about how i was so close to graduation? yeah, well, turns out not so much. no, turns out i have 7 more credit hours of electives i need to have before i can even take my capstone, which i just found out about this morning. which will push me back at least one full quarter, if not two, and sap even more money. didn’t i already go through this?

i’m seriously ready to quit now. like right now. like drop the classes i’m in and walk away. if i wouldn’t be out so much money i really might. maybe i’ll just finish up this quarter and be done with it all. i mean, i’m 31 years old and i’m just now getting close to an associate of arts degree? how ridiculous is that? i don’t even really use the other degree i have, and this one isn’t going to do me a damn bit of good at the rate i’m going.

i don’t know what to do.

down.

my brain is suffering from too much math homework and line memorization. i’m ready to be finished with school now. if i wasn’t so close to graduation i might give up. but probably not. i’m also wishing i had more than two real weeks of rehearsal for this show. it’s been too long since i was onstage and i’m feeling a little inadequate.

baseball rules!

i went to my first ever pro baseball game yesterday. the home team lost after a rain delay, but we saw a beautiful rainbow over the stadium, had great seats, and got to experience the game with a six-year-old who had never been to a game before either who kept singing “take me out to the ballgame” as best he could. it just makes me think about all the experiences we’ll have when we have our own family. we’ll have to deal with lots of crap, but we’ll get to see beautiful things and experience life in a whole new way. i can’t wait.

tiny monsters

here’s a little thing i did for a creative writing class not too long ago. i found it when i was looking through some files. it was a stream of consciousness writing assignment about something you’re afraid of. i’ve made a few minor word choice changes and broke it out into paragraph form to make it a little easier to read, but this is pretty much what i turned in. enjoy:

Those small things, not even an inch long, yet my hands get clammy and my forehead breaks out in a cold sweat, and my breath comes fast but heavy like I’m underwater. You would think such a small thing wouldn’t affect me so, these tiny monsters, but they do: fat and fuzzy or long and skinny, black and yellow or just black, it doesn’t matter which it is they all cause this dangerous beating of my heart. It feels like it will fall out of my chest and hide in the comfort of my stomach, but that too is turning, twisting and roiling. I freeze, I can’t move, I’m a statue, just breathe, just pretend like they’re not there.

Picture a warm sunny field full of wildflowers. No, there they are again, those angry swarming buzzing things. Instead picture home—but when I was a child they were there in the walls. They bored their way out and filled the living room like a black and yellow cloud. We had to shut it off and call in a man in a heavy suit with a sprayer full of poison on his back and stay away, stay upstairs, don’t go down, don’t go near they might get out. The poison in his sprayer might get out and fill my lungs and then my breath will come fast but heavy like I’m underwater.

No, out of the house; a grocery store, that will be safe. I’ll get the honey crust wheat bread off the shelf like my mother says. I reach for the yellow and black plastic wrapped loaf and feel a pinch on my palm. I pull my hand away and there it is, stuck, its wings flapping violently as it tries to escape. I scream and my mother is there, and I’m screaming, I can’t stop screaming. The manager in his black dress pants and white button-up shirt covered by a red apron comes running up, they pluck the monster from my hand.

I am crying, wracked, and my face is twisted. I know it is, I can see my reflection in the mirrored glass as they carry me through the door —I always wondered what was behind that mirrored glass—and my arm is swelling, swelling to my elbow as they soak my hand in salt water in the back room. They tell me it will get out the stinger, but it can’t stop the throbbing that is up into my shoulder now. He gives me a Baby Ruth and pink pills that will help, they tell me. Then slowly, oh so slowly, my balloon of an arm begins to deflate and I can just move my fingers again. I will never, ever again get the bread from the shelf without checking for monsters first.

sigh.

it’s been a good but busy day. we went to firefly’s plant and got a tour of the factory, which was really cool. my sister and a friend of ours went with and i talked with the friend for a while about baby stuff. she has two daughters with her ex through ai at the same clinic we’ll be going to, so she gave me a little more insight into how the process works and i have a little more peace of mind than i did yesterday. and you know, if we can’t start until september then we can’t, and that’s okay.

i’ve spent the majority of my evening working on a paper that’s due by midnight. i know, i should be working on it, but i’m almost finished and i needed a break. what i’m really looking forward to is going to cincinnati tomorrow to see a reds game with some friends. i’ve never been to a professional baseball game, although i’ve been to some minor league games. i think it’ll be fun! i was hoping to meet up with a friend who moved there recently, but of course she’ll be here while we’re there. poo. i also have a new friend who lives in that area, but she may be here as well. if not we’ll try to meet up for a drink or two.

ok, back to the homework!

let’s get back to babies, shall we?

one week from now we’ll be sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for her to call us back and really get started with this process. i must admit i’m a bit nervous. i’m not really sure what to expect, which is a big part of the problem. we’re just going to our family doctor so she can refer us elsewhere, but i’m not sure when we’ll get in to the other place or how long it will take, if we’ll be able to actually start in august like we hoped or have to wait until september, when we may not be able to due to timing and the firefly being in detroit for a week for work, which of course would be right around the time she’d need to be here if she stays on schedule.

she’s been temping regularly for three or four months now, so we’ve got a good baseline to start from–although her third shift work schedule and constantly changing sleep schedule makes it a distinct possibility that all of those charts are just an unreadable mess. hell, it’s an unreadable mess for her anyway and i only have a slightly firmer grasp on it. i’m sure the doctor will have a much better understanding of all that stuff.

i spent a bit more time looking at the donor list, although i still have a lot more narrowing to do. i’ll be interested to see who she narrows it down to on her list. we’re not worrying about setting up a nursery or anything like that until we actually have some news, although we have talked about possibilities for what we’d do.  the prevailing plan at the moment is to combine offices and move my things into hers, turn my office into a guest room, and turn the current guest/exercise/storage room into the nursery. it’s right next door to our bedroom and the other two rooms are off of the dining room. we’ll see what happens!

alright, enough rambling for now…

it’s been a good day

i don’t really feel like writing today, so i’ll just give you a picture:

someone put a flowerbox full of silk flowers in the little gated alley behind our favorite bar. i think it goes well with the froggy ashtrays.

at the dentist

my dentist has a wonderful receptionist that i adore. she’s so kind and always calls me “sweetie,” which i don’t always like but from her i find it wonderfully endearing. she recently battled stage four ovarian cancer and is back to work with a clean bill of health, so after my appointment i made sure to stop and tell her how glad i was to see her.

we set up my next appointment for late january and started chatting. i made a cryptic comment to her about hopefully having some news the next time i was in, and she immediately lit up. we talked around it for a little while, and then she asked who was carrying and if my parents were excited (they go to the same office). she is so happy for us starting this adventure. we ended up talking for about half an hour about everything. she told me that if i found out anything before that she’d love to hear about it, and she’ll keep us in her thoughts. maybe it’s a little silly, but it made me feel really good to talk to her about it and know that there are people out there pulling for us. i mean, i know there are; my parents and our sisters are so excited that we’re at the point we are, and our friends are supportive as always. we even have people we’ve never met that are rooting for us. for some reason this hit me a little differently. i hope i have occasion to call her before january.