Again. 13 cycles trying. 10 negatives, 2 miscarriages, and one bust. I just don’t know what to do at this point.

nothing to do but wait.

Thank you so much to everyone who is still reading, and who commented or sent me notes of support. I really appreciate it.

Things have been going pretty smoothly. I responded well to the meds and had 3 good follies on Wednesday morning, all on the left (there were quite a few on the right, too, but none large enough to do anything). Thursday afternoon I went in and had the flush done, which was just as painful as I remembered it being before. Thank goodness for lots of ibuprofen before I went. The RE did say, though, that he felt like there was resistance that cleared about halfway through, so if it did clear something out it was worth it–especially if it was on the left side where all the follies are. Friday I went in for another check and all three had developed a little more, to 16, 18.6, and 19+, so I triggered that night.

This morning I went in for the insem. Of course Firefly was working OT today and couldn’t get out of it, so I had to go on my own, but Bean came to the house and spent the night so I wouldn’t have to take Monkey with me. The procedure itself was the fastest and most painless I’ve had, which was a relief. I’ve been pretty tender in my whole abdomen from the stimming and the flush, but this evening it’s finally starting to feel normal again.

Official test day is November 25 but I’m guessing I’m not going to be able to resist testing early, especially since Thanksgiving is 11 days past IUI. We’ll see.


I’m not sure if anyone is still reading this, and I debated about posting, but we’re back in the game for one cycle. Today is CD1. I had a consult scheduled with the RE for mid-November, but they called a couple of weeks ago and had an opening, so we took it. It was better for us anyway schedule-wise because Firefly didn’t have to take time off work, and…well, why not?

So, the long and short of it is this: we’re trying one cycle. That’s it. That’s all we’re planning on. It’s going to work. If it doesn’t then we’ll have to step back and take a break in December to talk about our options and see what we want to do next, but that is not the current plan. We’re going to go about things in a somewhat unconventional way. I’m starting on 100mg of Clo.mid tomorrow, CD2, and will take that through the morning of CD6. That evening I’ll start four days of injectables (a Brave.lle and Meno.pur combo, the same as last time) and I’ll go in for blood work and an U/S next Wednesday. Sometime between when I start the injectables and when I trigger we’ll flush my tubes in the RE’s office (basically an HSG without the x-ray), because there is some evidence that it increases the odds, and when I had it done before there was some resistance in one of my tubes. In the meantime I’m also on a low-dose Aspirin regimen along with my regular prenatal, folic acid, and omega 3s. So, away we go.

In the meantime, Monkey is getting bigger and talking up a storm and is very into hats and helmets. He’s counting (sort of) up into the teens, although he often skips two and says three twice, and sometimes gets them out of order. I love watching his personality develop and I love him more and more every day, which just seems impossible.


No more trying until at least the end of the year if we can swing it, possibly January. I’m frustrated and disappointed and bitter. I’m sure I’ll post more later but that’s all I really want to say right now.

have I really not posted since the end of March?

I guess I owe an update, yes? The March cycle didn’t work. Neither did April. Today is CD1 and I am out of money in my FSA. We talked last night and decided to do one last cycle out of pocket before my deductibles reset to $0 on July 1. If this cycle doesn’t work we’ll be taking an indefinite break while we talk about our options, including possibly changing donors. The thought of that makes me cry. I want so badly for our babies to have the same one but we really need to consider it, especially since at this rate there won’t be a plural there. We also need to consider if we really want to continue. A year and a half of this, with two losses, has really taken a toll both emotionally and financially.

We are changing things up this cycle. We switched meds last cycle to a new injectable, Brav.elle. This time, thanks to a friend who had some Meno.pur left from an I.VF cycle and the donation of a sample of it from the RE, we’re using both this cycle. At least we’re not having to buy more of any of those, which is good. And maybe the change in protocol will make the difference. Who knows. It certainly can’t hurt.

In the meantime we’ve been keeping ourselves very busy with our kitchen remodel, which has obviously also put some strain on our finances but will be a really great thing when it’s done. It’s the last big project to be done, other than eventually replacing old windows which can be done in stages and we aren’t in any hurry for. We’ve gotten a lot done; everything is torn out and the new cabinets are in, and we’re waiting on the countertops. There are still some big projects to be done, most notably the new floor. Of course our schedule is filling up like crazy and making it harder to find big chunks of time to get things done, but it won’t be long now until it’s done.


My wallet is found! It was in my mom’s car after all, so I have it back in my possession. I’m so happy and relieved!

The passport was fine as ID for the thaw this morning, so everything went smoothly. I’m so glad I realized that I didn’t have it last night so I could get everything prepared in advance instead of panicking this morning. I used the hour in between signing the release and my appointment to go to the bank (the money kind) to get some cash so I had something, since I at that point I still didn’t know where my wallet was. The IUI was okay. Not too bad, not as uncomfortable as some have been and it was okay going by myself although obviously I would have preferred it if Firefly could have been there with me. I did have some mild cramping this morning and have felt a little bloated, for lack of a better word, which was no fun but it’s eased up. It was my RE this morning instead of one of the other doctors, which was nice. Also, the motile count? 23.1 million, which is awesome and well over double what they guarantee per vial. I’ll start the prog.esterone tomorrow and other than that there’s nothing to do but wait and hope for one sticky baby.

Also today, Monkey is off with Firefly’s parents for a visit. They came and had a nice dinner with us and then headed out of town. They’re taking him to see a show tomorrow and Firefly will drive up after work on Thursday to pick him up; I think she’s staying the night and coming home on Friday. It was kind of nice having the rest of the evening just the two of us, although all we did was watch TV that wasn’t kid friendly. I miss him already, though. It’s so strange not to have him here, not to be doing his bedtime routine and reading “Brown Bear Brown Bear” and “Mr. Brown Can Moo” to him before tucking him in and giving him hugs and kisses. Thursday is going to be really strange to be home completely by myself. At least it gives us time to get the house ready since we’re having people over on Saturday evening to celebrate birthdays (mine and Bean’s). That should keep us occupied. We do have some other potential plans tomorrow evening, but I think we’re going to skip out on it.

happy birthday to me.

Well today is my birthday, and as it turns out it was the only day this cycle that I didn’t have to do anything as far as this whole baby-making process goes. No shots, no blood draws, no IUI, no proge.sterone. I triggered last night and tomorrow morning I go in for the IUI. I’m going by myself since Firefly couldn’t take the day off, which I’m not looking forward to but it is what it is. I also managed to lose my wallet tonight, which I’m pretty sure is somewhere in my house and may be the victim of a curious toddler, but it has caused quite a bit of panic here. Of course it means that I don’t have my driver’s license or my FSA credit card. After much searching I realized that I got two cards from the FSA so I dug the second one out, which means I can pay, and I got my passport out of the lockbox so I have some ID to sign for the thaw release. Of course my passport has my old last name on it, so I had to also find the court decree for that. Luckily I knew where it was, so I’m hoping that will all be acceptable proof of who I am and it doesn’t cause any issues tomorrow, because that is the last thing I need: more stress with this whole thing.

There’s not much I can do about it otherwise at this point. I’m exhausted and we’ve looked everywhere that we can think to for my wallet. We searched the house and the car, I called the restaurant my parents took me to for lunch and called my parents to see if they had seen it since they drove. I even went back to work to see if perhaps I had left it there even though I have a distinct recollection of making sure I had it because I knew I’d need it. I didn’t stop anywhere other than daycare to pick up Monkey so that’s really the last place to check, but I can’t do that until the morning when I drop him off. I’m hoping it turns up tomorrow.

There isn’t much else really happening here. Oh, but I did lose 20lbs before my birthday, which is awesome. And we’re still working on our kitchen plan, the design is close to being finalized other than a wall turning out to be concrete that we weren’t expecting, but it’s just affecting one area and we think we figured out what we’re doing to work around it. We’re hoping to start sometime in the next month or so and have already torn some tile down and gotten a bit of a start (which is how we discovered the concrete wall). So, that’s pretty exciting for us. Hopefully we’ll have some other news soon, yes?

back to square one.

Yesterday was technically day one of my new cycle. I think, based on the testing I did, that I may have had a pregnancy (CP). I went in for an U/S today to make sure that I didn’t have any cysts from this cycle, which I don’t, but I ended up telling the RE about the testing. He said that although we don’t know for sure there’s a good argument to be made that it may have been a CP. He said he knows it’s frustrating and he’s frustrated too, because on paper everything looks good. My tests have all come back fine, my levels are looking good every cycle, we’re having good results from the meds, we’ve had two successes even though they were followed closely by losses.

So, here’s the plan: we’re trying one more time with Foll.istim because I still have the meds from last cycle as I had already ordered them but didn’t end up needed to use them because I had enough left from the cycle before. Even though I have coverage for meds it takes forever to get approval for them so switching now would mean us paying ourselves and trying to get reimbursement, and since I still have the other meds this is the most practical way to go about it. We’re changing up my protocol to try and stimulate a little differently without over stimulating based on how I’ve responded before. We want this to work, but not TOO well. In the meantime they’re getting the paperwork in place so that if it doesn’t work, we can switch meds next cycle and hopefully avoid any delays or OOP expense beyond my co-pays.

That’s where things stand on the TTC front. In the meantime we’ve decided to stop waiting on our kitchen remodel and do it now, starting within the next month or two. It’s the last big project in the house and really needs done, and it’s going to be hard enough with one toddler in the house; putting it off likely means another year or two when we will hopefully have two little ones running around. We’ve had lots of brainstorming and the design is pretty much set. We’ve gotten quotes for a couple of different cabinet brands and have settled on one and have a timeline of when to expect things once we order. It’s going to be very different, but the big things are staying really close to where they are so it means very little moving of water and electric, most of that will be connecting things up and adding wiring for more outlets. We’ve decided to pay the extra to have the cabinets installed because the money it will cost is worth it in reduced stress and work for us. We bought the new stove today, which was the last appliance to be replaced, and we’ll be tearing out that area and putting in a temporary setup after a party we’re having at the end of the month.

It gives us something else to focus on. I’m going to take some before photos soon so that we can keep a record of our progress.

keepin’ on.

Well, I did have one more dose on Thursday, with a trigger on Friday and last Sunday was the insem. Since them things have been pretty good. Everyone is finally feeling good. I won an i.Pad on Tuesday (no, I’m not kidding and my blog hasn’t been taken over, I really did). On Saturday Monkey and I made another trip to the conservatory and had lunch with a friend of mine and her littlest, and then during his afternoon nap time he climbed out of his crib–actually, he climbed up onto the rail and was riding it like a pony, so this past Sunday his crib became a big boy bed and he’s been happily sleeping in it since.

I went yesterday for my blood draw and then did the booster last night. I think I might be a crazy lady again this week to try to test out the trigger, perhaps with the faint hope of seeing it get darker and turn into an early positive. Plus it would be nice to see one by next weekend instead of waiting the full ten days they say to until next Thursday to test. On the other hand, I could just end up seeing those negatives once it tests out. Only time will well.

lower down, and back up.

Well, things got a little worse here last week. Firefly and I spent Tuesday morning at urgent care only to find out that she had pneumonia–and not one, but two separate infections. She went back to work today but was totally exhausted. Then on Friday I took Monkey to the pedi because we could tell that he had a double ear infection (he still has his tubes and both ears were leaking), and he also had tonsillitis–but his lungs were clear, which is good, obviously. I was a little worried because he’s been coughing and it sounded a little wet and we would have hated for him to come down with pneumonia too. But we’re all finally on the mend after 2+ weeks of illness, so things are looking up.

As far as this cycle goes, so far so good. I went in today for a follie check, I’ve got at least two good ones on each side. So, more injections tonight through Wednesday and I’ll go back on Thursday morning for another check. I’m guessing we’re have an insem either Saturday or Sunday as long as things continue to look good.

Today was a holiday for me at work, so I took Monkey to daycare and headed to the conservatory with my camera for some much needed time alone together. I’ll try to share a shot or two from my recent trips soon.

June 2021


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November 2010